Dear Blog Comment Spammers…

Dear Comment Spammers,

In the past month, I have received over 600 pieces of ‘correspondence’ from you via the Tecmark blog. While I would love to respond to each and every piece individually, I am far too busy walking over burning hot coals with no shoes on while simultaneously poking myself in the eye with cocktail sticks that have been dipped in hydrochloric acid (you should give that a go some time – hugely entertaining).

However, I was beginning to feel a little rude. I was always told to answer politely when spoken to. Of course, I dispute whether this rule would apply when ‘spoken to’ means having the same unintelligible nonsense screamed in my general direction repeatedly for hours and I also question whether this really applies when the person speaking at me calls themselves ‘viagara.’ In fact, someone selling prescription drugs over the Internet would probably find themselves firmly on the list of people I was told never to speak to, along with strangers in cars parked outside my school and offering me sweeties. But anyway, I digress.

These British manners of mine won’t let me not at least acknowledge your comments. After all, you must have spent at least a nanosecond submitting bot driven spamfests of commentary onto the blog and it’s only fair I at least let you know I received them. I did. Joyously. However, you will notice that none of your comments are live on the website and I thought it only fair that I tell you why:

• You haven’t used your real name. I’m not expecting all commenters to leave their full name, address and bank details. But a first name or at least reasonable nickname is necessary. And call me a cynic, but I somehow doubt your name is Viagara, adult cam, cheap reseller hosting India, business SEO, weight loss diet, Canon cameras or any of the other hundreds of such names you have attempted. If it turns out I am indeed wrong about this, then I cannot help but think your parents hated you.

• Another reason your comments have not been approved is because much of the content within them is, well, garbled nonsense. I can assure you that ‘sfjkhdfkjghreughkdjfhg’ is not a word. I can also assure you that repeating it 17 times in a 16 word comment does not make it anymore of a word than it was when you just had it there just the once.

• You’re not particularly original. Even in the comments with real words (there are some in there, believe it or not) are unimaginative and boring. While I appreciate your ‘great post,’ comment, I don’t believe for a moment that I’m the first person you have said it to. A Google search tells me that even your 115 word declaration of love for my posts isn’t unique to me. No, you’ve said exactly the same words to so many others even as recently as the day before you said it to me!! I’m hurt.

I hope that clears things up for you. It’s probably better for both of us if you just move on to a blog that doesn’t moderate its comments.

Many thanks,

Stacey

Ah, if only blog comment spammers actually READ the posts!